Buzz

Buzz was in the blinds this morning. 

Buzz

Buzz was in the tree this morning. 

Buzz

Buzz was hiding in the toothbrush drawer this morning with a note!  

Buzz

Buzz wanted a midnight snack last night.  What a messy boy!! 

Pain again.

A little over two months ago, I had my seventh surgery.  There was a 75% chance that I would be pain free or at least pain free in that area. Well I fall into the 25%.  The pain is back.  It isn't as bad as it was; I'm still able to walk and lift things, but the last month it has been getting worse.  The endometriosis had spread in sept to other areas, after surgery is when I usually feel the best for 9-24 months.  This time I'm

Actually worried what the future will bring since I'm already hurting again.  I wish my body was "normal" but that isn't ever going to happen.  

Weight Loss

I've lost over ten pounds, now it's time to tone!!!  

Buzz

Want some water??  

Buzz

Buzz was caught on top of the toilet this morning.  Maybe he was making sure my boys hit the toilet.  Lol.  

Buzz

Buzz is on the lights in the dining room this morning! 

Buzz

Sitting inside Connor's project for school.  

Looking like Christmas!!

Lights are up!  I should have been a man. Lol. More photos to come.  

Buzz

Buzz is back!!!! 

Soul

I have always known that I want a job that makes me happy.  That makes my soul happy.  The last few months I have been doing a lot of soul searching, trying to figure out what I want to do.  I don't have a marriage or a man standing in my way; this would be for me and my children.  If you know me you know I enjoy children, they make me happy.  And each time I help with my children's school, rather on class trips or parties or whatever I feel something in me.  Yesterday wasn't any different.  Having a small group that I was in charge of, it stirred up those feelings again.  It makes my soul happy.  I use to be in school to be a teacher and I think that may be my "calling".  Photography is great and I feel happiness and even at peace when I'm shooting but I'm never going to be able to live off of it.  That isn't going to happen and I know that.  I need a job that I can live off of so I can stop my day care at some point.  I'll never be rich which is fine. I want to be comfortable (financially) and happy with my choice. So I will continue to soul search a little while longer.  

Yes, I'm rambling.  Even talking to myself.  

Sexiest Man Alive

Chris Hemsworth is the "Sexiest Man Alive"... Who were the judges for this?  They need their eyes checked, that dude is just ugly.  Next year they should ask me.  

Forgive

I'm a forgiving person. But not everything is forgiveable.  Lesson learned.  

Marriage.

I always wanted to be married.  The fairy tale. The happiness. The love.  Always having a best friend. At times I still want that.  But I know I was a bad wife, even though he was my best friend and he was the love of my life (or at least I thought so).   I wasn't enough. I couldn't make my husband happy.  I tried.  It just didn't happen like I planned. We were different. Different likes and wants.   Neither of us were wrong.  But it has ruined me and my views on marriage.  At times I think about getting married again.  But what's the point?  To get a divorce?  In today's time people don't stay together.  They don't work on their relationship, when things get hard they throw it away and move on.  They lie and walk out.  They hurt each other. They build up walls.  They run to other people, other relationships. Then you are left with a divorce and no best friend. You are alone and hurt.  I don't want that.  Not again. 

Mary Kay sample

My freebies from influenster and Mary Kay.  

I received these products complimentary from Influenster for testing purposes. 

Heartbroken

Here I sit heartbroken. Again. Once again this unloveable curse gets me. Maybe I deserve this, the lies, being ignored, feeling pain. Unfortunately for me I'm loving, it's my worst trait.  I don't even know why I bother anymore.  You would think I would have learned my lesson by now.  But apparently I haven't learned so now the tears will flow. 

14!!

In a blink of an eye, my baby is 14!!!  How did that happen!  He had a great birthday, with family and friends.  A pizza and movie party is what he wanted this year.  It was a lot of fun!

Fall Time

I LOVE fall!!!  It's my favorite season.  Decorating for Halloween and fall started over a week ago and I'm still adding to it. 

A little something I made. 

Just a few decorations.  

Lawyer

Hiring a lawyer today, since last week things were filed against me and I just found out.  Funny how you agree to things and get promised things and blam that wasn't the truth.  Got to love a liar!!  

Another little funny thing. The quarter of a mile and no contact was decided at the first court date. With two lawyers and a judge.  And a liar there. But I'm the liar.  I'm a lot of things but a liar isn't one of them!  I'll never be that low to lie. I'm the one that changed everything. I changed nothing tell now. Everything is different. Everything is over.  I don't deal with liars. I didn't do anything.  I stuck to what was agreed in March at court.   

Lies.

The funny thing about lies is, once you are caught lying people doubt everything you say.  And then to keep getting caught in lies just proves that you can't tell the truth. That you say whatever it is you think that person wants to hear.  Broken promises and lies aren't something I can forgive.  Looking back knowing the lies never ended. I kept my end of the bargain; a liar can't.  They don't know how.  I wasn't worth the truth, even once the relationship was over, or when things were going good. The lies continued. The broken promises continued. Things were done that won't ever be forgiven.  It's funny looking back now hearing the excuse that the lies was their way of trying. Usually honest and truth is trying to make something work.  But then again someone has to be important enough to receive the truth. Looking back now I know I did what I could, even though I wasn't worth anything to them, I didn't lie.  I was honest. Truthful.  So keep lying see if I care.  The truth always comes out.  Just don't expect me to stick around and listen to lies.  

Surgery

Well my seventh surgery in eleven years is in the books, and if you were hoping I would die; better luck next time.   Endometriosis and PCOS has a way of tearing you apart, one piece at a time. There is no cure for it.  They try to control it.  I think my body has had  enough of it.  And honestly I have had enough of it mentally.  This has been one of the worst recoveries I have had.  My body isn't bouncing back. I opened one incision already.  I'm in pain. I have three sick kids.  I'm stressed.  I'm hormonal.  I don't take the pain pills.  This was my first surgery that I have had unmarried.  All the other times, I was married. So now I do feel more financial stress than I have ever felt.  It's almost too much. But life goes on, so I get up and deal with it.  I will heal.  I will be ok. Because I have to be.  My body will recover.  My hormones will balance themselves out with only one ovary, at some point. This is a part of life for some people.  I wouldnt wish this on anyone though.  

For those of you that have messaged me, asking about me - thank you!  

Body issues

I'm wondering how much more my body is going to put me through.  Endometriosis, PCOS, bleeding issues- which almost cost me my life more than once, a hysterectomy, my appendix,  and now the removal of an ovary.  Seriously???   What's next? Nevermind I don't want to know.  I already have days where I don't feel like a girl because I don't have a uterus. Part of me is missing.  Not that I enjoyed periods or anything but still. I was use to feeling like a female.  And now let's throw my hormones off. My hormones are already crappy. I'm an emotional wreck sometimes. Making that worse doesn't sound like fun to me.  Six surgeries in 11 years is too much. Maybe there is no fixing this. I don't know what else to do with this body.  Be in too much pain or keep having surgeries.  I'm in a no win. 

Caring

Been learning this for a couple of years now.  Some days I'm reminder more of it.  If someone doesn't care about you, move on.  You deserve someone who will care.  

Love

Unfornately, this seems to be fitting.  Was married over thirteen years and still can't be loved.  It must be impossible.  

Heart

Looks about right.  My heart is dumb. 

#WhyIStayed

This whole Ray Rice thing and now the #WhyIStayed thing has made me start thinking why I stayed?  I have been in more than one abusive relationship, the first one was worst than the second one. I have been afraid, hurt, hit, choked, bruised, raped, slapped, and so much more. So why does anyone stay in that kind of relationship? Usually because they think things will get better. If they try a little harder, that person will change. All the promises from the abuser claiming that it won't happen again, we believe. We even think it is our fault, that we deserve this. Even believing it is because we aren't loveable.  We think that if we love the person better or more than things will improve. We also stay out of fear.  If someone is willing to harm you while you are with them, what will they do if you actually leave?  It is easy for someone to say that they wouldn't put up with abuse or they would leave? But being in the situation it isn't as easy as just walking out.  I'm fairly strong minded and I still stayed. Believing things would improve, believing lies.   

Funerals

It's funny how funerals make you reflect on your own life.  Remember things that you try to not remember. I am not the funeral type, actually I try to avoid them at all cost.  But sometimes, I do have to just suck it up and go, like today.  Even when you are not all that close to someone, a funeral is depressing and upsetting.  You remember people you have lost, and it makes you think of your own death.  Today as I was sad for the lost of an aunt and remembering her life, but I was reminded of my grandparents and how much I miss them. It is crazy to me that I have been without my papa for 21 years. It seems like yesterday to me. He was probably one of the only people that I always felt loved around, he made me feel special. A day doesn't go by that I don't miss him. I know my kids would have loved him like I do. It also was a reminder of my grandparents on my mother's side, who did get to meet most of my kids and my oldest son remembers them well, but they were taken without a warning and there was no goodbyes.  Regardless if you get to say goodbye or not, it doesn't lessen the pain. A loss is a loss. I'm not that afraid of dying, I know someday it will happen.  It does to everyone.  I worry about my children and I hope that it will be when they are grown; which also means I will probably die alone.   And that is very depressing to think about. When you get married you never think you will be alone again, but the hard reality of divorce slaps you in the face and then you know... alone is your way of life- get use to it! But as long as I don't leave my children motherless than I will take alone.  Because honestly I will be dead I won't care if I am alone.  I just hope my grandparents and the two little ones I lost are there to greet me, if I make it to heaven.

Back To School

I cannot believe that it is school time again!  Didn't we just get out for summer break, like yesterday?  I guess not!  I still haven't even edited our vacation photos yet... yikes!  I am behind!  I am so sad to see them go.  I love having them home with me each and everyday.

 

Crying...

 

 

 

 

As I sit here and cry, trying so hard to hold it back.  To swallow my sorrow.  To bury my emotions. But somehow tears keep running down my face.  So many thoughts and feelings, things left unsaid.  Things were suppose to be different.  But somehow things always turn out where I am the one who gets hurt.  Maybe that is my fault.  Maybe I am too loving and giving.  Or maybe just unlovable. It's amazing what my heart has been through, and somehow it hasn't just stopped working.  It keeps beating, reminding me to keep going. So now to push through my tears and regain control over my emotions.  If not for my own sake, then for my children's, after all they are my heart, they are my world.  

Unloveable

As I sit and reflect on my life, this seems to be very fitting.  I'm in my early 30's, been married twice and divorced twice.  One of the marriages was a mistake, the other I felt like it was meant to be, he didn't feel the same way. I was blinded by love before.  But unfortunately, the men that I married never loved me.  Time was wasted on the wrong men.  Even wasted love on the wrong man.  No man will love me, and that is ok.   The older I get the more I see that I don't need a man to love  me.  I have six amazingly wonderful children, who I love with every ounce of me and they love me back.  I also have 3 kids that are a part of my life (who are not mine) that I adore and care for like they were my own.  It use to get to me often that someone who loves so much, isn't loveable.  But honestly that is the man's fault for not seeing the good things in me.  Not seeing me for me. 

Baseball Season

Baseball season is over for us, but we had a great year.  The three boys improved so much, between practices and games, I would take them to a field and practice some more with them.  Their batting really improved. At the end of the older boys season, their coach went on vacation and I was asked to coach them, which I did.  I wasn't sure if I even wanted to coach or what to do with these kids, but we had fun and I actually enjoyed coaching.  Their last game was the teams best game, they played so well.  I think next season I will coach the whole season. We are looking forward to next year already.

 

 

 

 

.