Funerals

It's funny how funerals make you reflect on your own life.  Remember things that you try to not remember. I am not the funeral type, actually I try to avoid them at all cost.  But sometimes, I do have to just suck it up and go, like today.  Even when you are not all that close to someone, a funeral is depressing and upsetting.  You remember people you have lost, and it makes you think of your own death.  Today as I was sad for the lost of an aunt and remembering her life, but I was reminded of my grandparents and how much I miss them. It is crazy to me that I have been without my papa for 21 years. It seems like yesterday to me. He was probably one of the only people that I always felt loved around, he made me feel special. A day doesn't go by that I don't miss him. I know my kids would have loved him like I do. It also was a reminder of my grandparents on my mother's side, who did get to meet most of my kids and my oldest son remembers them well, but they were taken without a warning and there was no goodbyes.  Regardless if you get to say goodbye or not, it doesn't lessen the pain. A loss is a loss. I'm not that afraid of dying, I know someday it will happen.  It does to everyone.  I worry about my children and I hope that it will be when they are grown; which also means I will probably die alone.   And that is very depressing to think about. When you get married you never think you will be alone again, but the hard reality of divorce slaps you in the face and then you know... alone is your way of life- get use to it! But as long as I don't leave my children motherless than I will take alone.  Because honestly I will be dead I won't care if I am alone.  I just hope my grandparents and the two little ones I lost are there to greet me, if I make it to heaven.