A Snap- Happy Mom's Life: October 2013

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Life

Most everyone in my life, knows nothing about what I am going through. I am not close to really anyone anymore. I don't see the point. Being married for 11 years and getting a divorce and having so many "friends" turn their back on me, has kept me from ever trying again. Growing up I never felt loved or wanted, I was the "mistake" baby. Even to this day, I know I am not loved by my family. Some days its ok, I can handle it. Others it is harder. Being married for a second time, and being in the middle of a divorce again, has made me a failure; I know that. Maybe it is me. Maybe I am cursed. Or maybe I am just too messed up. I fear I am messing up my children. They are innocent and don't deserve any of this. And I would do anything for them. I make sacrifices daily so they won't have too. My world revolves around them. Maybe that is part of the problem, I am a good mother but a bad wife.

But even though I hide my feelings or deal with them, don't mean I don't feel things. That things don't upset me. That I don't hurt. I hurt, daily. I think about my pain, my regrets, my mistakes all the time. I wish I could erase them, but I can't. I wish I could erase the pain, to feel happiness.

Unfortunately for me, my mind doesn't just shut off. Sometimes I care too much. There are several people that I would be willing to do just about anything for to help them, but I can honestly say there isn't someone like that for me. Then my mind races. I have questions and no answers. All I know is, some things in life just aren't fair. I have been blessed with my children, each and every one of them. And I thank God for them daily. But I have paid the price in other ways. No friends, no family, no love.

So some of my favorite quotes for right now. They help me deal with things, to make it through another day. If anyone else is going through a struggle whatever it may be, don't give up. Keep going. Push through it.

After 11 years of marriage I wasn't able to just turn off my feelings, even though he was able too.

Maybe some more than others.

This is so true. I have broken trust and I have had my trust broken. Its a no win.

Truth.

This is the story of my life.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Zoo Fun

Over fall break we went to the zoo. We had a great time! The weather was pretty cold that morning but warmed up that afternoon. The animals were out and about too. :) A few photos.

Oldest and youngest. <3 p="">

<3 p="">

Baby Leom

Pumpkin Time!!!

We went to the pumpkin patch here in Shawnee last week. It was tiny compared to last years. :( And I LOVE this time of the year! Here are just a few of the photos I have taken. :)

Saturday, October 19, 2013

One Year

Well it has been a year plus a few days since my hysterectomy. Let's just say life sucks! I'm still having some bleeding, which isn't "normal" at all. My pain is awful. I have a lot of other issues that I won't go into here. Hell, I can't even tell my doctor everything. A hysterectomy didn't fix me. If anything it made things worse. It's like my body is angry and taking it out on me. Maybe I should of taken my chances with precancerous cells. What I do know is, something has to change. I'm too old to still be in this much pain. The last few days I've had to take a pain pill at bedtime to get a little relief so I can sleep. And if you know me a pain pill knows me out! That's why I can't take one during the day. Plus I hate drugs. But the misery I'm in is ridiculous. :( they need to find something for endometriosis and PCOS. I'm so worried about my young daughter. Everything that I have is heredity. And I know she will have these problems. It makes me sick thinking about it. No one deserves this. I see my doctor in a few weeks, I'm sure I'll hear the same crap all over again...."there's not much else they can do for me". All I know is a hysterectomy wasn't the answer.