Most everyone in my life, knows nothing about what I am going through. I am not close to really anyone anymore. I don't see the point. Being married for 11 years and getting a divorce and having so many "friends" turn their back on me, has kept me from ever trying again. Growing up I never felt loved or wanted, I was the "mistake" baby. Even to this day, I know I am not loved by my family. Some days its ok, I can handle it. Others it is harder. Being married for a second time, and being in the middle of a divorce again, has made me a failure; I know that. Maybe it is me. Maybe I am cursed. Or maybe I am just too messed up. I fear I am messing up my children. They are innocent and don't deserve any of this. And I would do anything for them. I make sacrifices daily so they won't have too. My world revolves around them. Maybe that is part of the problem, I am a good mother but a bad wife.
But even though I hide my feelings or deal with them, don't mean I don't feel things. That things don't upset me. That I don't hurt. I hurt, daily. I think about my pain, my regrets, my mistakes all the time. I wish I could erase them, but I can't. I wish I could erase the pain, to feel happiness.
Unfortunately for me, my mind doesn't just shut off. Sometimes I care too much. There are several people that I would be willing to do just about anything for to help them, but I can honestly say there isn't someone like that for me. Then my mind races. I have questions and no answers. All I know is, some things in life just aren't fair. I have been blessed with my children, each and every one of them. And I thank God for them daily. But I have paid the price in other ways. No friends, no family, no love.
So some of my favorite quotes for right now. They help me deal with things, to make it through another day. If anyone else is going through a struggle whatever it may be, don't give up. Keep going. Push through it.
After 11 years of marriage I wasn't able to just turn off my feelings, even though he was able too.
Maybe some more than others.
This is so true. I have broken trust and I have had my trust broken. Its a no win.
Truth.
This is the story of my life.
