Tonight

Well tonight my whole family is having a birthday dinner for my oldest son. And I will be the only one there without someone.  No partner.  No spouse.  Nothing.  Because the one I was with chose someone else.  Because I didn't compare to her in his eyes.  Because he has been with others.  How humiliating for me.   I'm a joke.  I was a game.  I gave my all and it wasn't good enough.  I've been married and now this.  It's almost too much to bare.  

Thoughts

Well my Counslor thinks I should start writing more. Expressing my feelings. Get them out.  She thinks it will help.  Maybe she is crazy, or maybe she has a point.  Who knows.  Im not sure what the point is anymore.  To get better?  Is that even possible at this point? 

So what do I feel.  I feel like I am in a deep dark hole, one that no matter how much I climb, crawl, or scratch I won't be able to get out of.  A lonely depressing hole, where all I can hear are my thoughts on how I'm a failure. How apparently I am hated and don't deserve to live.  All the names I have been called.  It's all on repeat; through the day and night.  All I can think is that I'll be stuck here forever.  Whatever forever is.  

Nope, I don't feel better.  Maybe tomorrow.