Life

Most everyone in my life, knows nothing about what I am going through.  I am not close to really anyone anymore.  I don't see the point.  Being married for 11 years and getting a divorce and having so many "friends" turn their back on me, has kept me from ever trying again.  Growing up I never felt loved or wanted, I was the "mistake" baby.  Even to this day, I know I am not loved by my family.  Some days its ok, I can handle it.  Others it is harder.  Being married for a second time, and being in the middle of a divorce again, has made me a failure; I know that.  Maybe it is me.  Maybe I am cursed.  Or maybe I am just too messed up.  I fear I am messing up my children.  They are innocent and don't deserve any of this.  And I would do anything for them.  I make sacrifices daily so they won't have too.  My world revolves around them.  Maybe that is part of the problem, I am a good mother but a bad wife.   

 

But even though I hide my feelings or deal with them, don't mean I don't feel things.  That things don't upset me.  That I don't hurt.  I hurt, daily.  I think about my pain, my regrets, my mistakes all the time.  I wish I could erase them, but I can't.  I wish I could erase the pain, to feel happiness. 

 

Unfortunately for me, my mind doesn't just shut off.   Sometimes I care too much.  There are several people that I would be willing to do just about anything for to help them, but I can honestly say there isn't someone like that for me.  Then my mind races.  I have questions and no answers.  All I know is, some things in life just aren't fair.  I have been blessed with my children, each and every one of them. And I thank God for them daily.  But I have paid the price in other ways.  No friends, no family, no love.

 

So some of my favorite quotes for right now.  They help me deal with things, to make it through another day.  If anyone else is going through a struggle whatever it may be, don't give up.  Keep going.  Push through it.

 

 

 

After 11 years of marriage I wasn't able to just turn off my feelings, even though he was able too.

Maybe some more than others.

This is so true.  I have broken trust and I have had my trust broken.  Its a no win.

Truth.

This is the story of my life. 

English 101

Well, I have decided to start posting some of my English essays, that I have written for my classes.  They are pretty pointless, but oh well.  If you don't like them, feel free to not read them.

Saving a Best Friend

            Have you ever thought about all of the shelter animals?  There are hundreds of animals in shelters every day, millions  die every year. A movie that  made an impact on me was Pound Puppies; I first saw the cartoon movie when I was about eight years old. I knew at a young age there had to be something that could be done. The movie Pound Puppies made me realize the fate of unwanted animals, it helped motivate me to start a dog rescue, and has instilled in me wanting to help more.

            When first watching the movie it was just a cartoon about dogs, and nothing more, but as I got older the more I understood that it was about shelter dogs. Then, I started exploring what happens to shelter animals, about the millions that are put to sleep every year in shelters. Also, all the unwanted litters caused by people who will not fix their pets has made a problem. There are too many animals and not enough homes. The more I learned about the animals the more my heart would break. At a young age I wanted to help, to save all of the animals.

            After, growing up the feelings didn't change, I still wanted to help. So I decided to start a dog rescue for unwanted shelter dogs. I would take them in, get them healthy, alter them so there was less unwanted litters, and find them new homes. The rescue brought some great joys to me, and I felt like I was doing my part to help out, but it also brought heart ache too. Some dogs were just too sick to save, it was a feeling of helplessness. There were many times that I would see dogs that were starved to death or had diseases. In a couple of years, I had saved hundreds of dogs and found them good homes, and saved many unwanted litters also.

            Now that I have children and other responsibilities, rescuing starving dogs is not possible now. But what is possible is giving money to charities like the Humane Society and the ASPCA. It is also helpful to educate people and children on all the unwanted animals out there.  My children have not seen the movie Pound Puppies, but they understand about shelter animals, and because of that  we decided to adopt a dog. It was their decision to save a life rather than just buying one. There is also more that people can do rather it is donating money, supplies,  time, or even being the voice for the animals.

            So if you are looking for a new best friend, everyone should consider a shelter animal; rather it is through the local shelter or from an animal rescue.  A dog is always grateful for a second chance. If you have not watched the movie Pound Puppies, maybe you should, it might have an effect on you too. It will show you the fate of shelter animals,  it could help  you get motivated, even if you cannot start a rescue, there is still plenty to do.

Fall Time!!!

Autumn is my favorite time of the year and looking at ALL of the photos I take, you can tell!!  Here are just a few of them.

 

This is one of my favorites right now.  <3 p="p">

Little pumpkin butt!

Turning colors

I love this little hat on him!

The pumpkin patch in the children's area at the Myriad... we LOVED it!!!  It was super cold (30's), but it was so cute and fun!   We will be going back next year for sure!

A teepee in the myriad.

Pumpkins, teepees, and Devon

And little super baby!

 

I will post more, it took FOREVER thanks to AT&T to load these.

My Journey {10 Days Post Op}

10 days have come and gone now.  I am a little shocked that it has been 10 days already.  But I am glad that I am very tough or I would have died in the last ten days.  This has been the worst recovery ever for me.  And this was my 5th surgery.  I am still lovely shades of bruised, mainly black.  My incisions still hurt, especially when touched.  And laying down or getting up still hurts a lot.  Who knew how much you used your stomach muscles untill your stomach was jacked up.  But I am healing, at least physically.  Mentally, it is still rocky.  I am not sure I will heal mentally though.  We shall see.  I still have like ten more days till I see my doctor, and seeing my body makes me want to hurt him also.  The swelling has been crazy with this recovery.  In the morning, I look like I am 3 months pregnant, and by the end of the day I look 5 months pregnant, all from swelling.  It's crazy!  I guess that is normal?  I truly have no idea.  And I have a crappy nurse that doesn't tell me much of anything, so I am waiting to see.  And I am off of Motrin now too.  I was usppose to stay on pain pills for 1-2 months, that lasted 2 days.  And Motrin for about the same amount of time.  I guess having a high pain tolerance pays off at times.  But it probably would of been an easier recovery if I had taken the pain pills like I should of and rested more.  But life goes on and here's to ten more days of recovery..



Well a correction. I had glue bandages over the incisions. The glue has been coming off but now they are completely gone. And in two of my incisions I have a stitch hanging out of my body and the incisions are more open where the stitch is. I guess I ripped them or pulled it. I'm going to have a scar for sure. Now I'm upset again. I'm not sure what to do.

Pup

I have been thinking about getting a pup.  We had one over the summer but decided to rehome him due to money issues, but I miss him all the time.  So now I am trying to decide to either get a full blood with a full blood price, or a mutt and "save a life".  I use to have a dog rescue from 2001-2003, and saved over 120 dog lives.  I loved being around the dogs, even the barking didn't drive me crazy.  I didn't have that many all at once, I had between 20-30 at a time though.  No I don't want that many dogs, my house would blow up!  It isn't big enough.  One maybe two dogs, tops.  Thinking one for now.  I could even foster dogs, but that may be a little harder with the kids.  I could only foster puppies nothing that is going to attack a kid.  I am a member with the local animal rescue, or I was, so fostering with them would be fine I bet.  Or just go by one.  Something to think about...

My Journey (Day Five Post Op)

Today I'm five days out and today sucks! It's Monday so that means taking kids to school, going to Walmart, cleaning, picking up the kids, baby sitting, homework, etc, etc. fun times. Not really. I'm in a lot if pain today. I didn't sleep much at all last night. I feel lost and my emotions are out of control. I would never recommend a hysterectomy. Not that this was really my choice though.

Here are some pictures of bruising. I think I hate my doctor right now.

 

My smallest incision with the least amount of drama.

My worst one.  This one is black and looks awful!

Another one.  Yellowish green.

That is down my leg.  I can't show you the other parts of me that are BLACK!!! 

Belly button, it looks better than last time, but hurts badly.  Some bruising, worst inicion though.

 

Other parts of me are black.  I have never seen a bruise so big or black in my life.  It is awful!  I would think it will be here for a month of more.  I can't see this thing going away anytime soon. 

 

I can't believe what my body looks like.  It makes me cry daily to see it.  And then to know what I have been through makes me cry more.  Crying is the only thing I am good at right now.  Or being mad at the world.  I am good at that too.

Busy Week!

What a busy week I have, this and next!!  Yikes!  Here is my list.

doctor's appointment for me
doctor's appointment for two kids
lots of baby sitting
parent/ teacher meetings
pumpkin patch
fall photos
need to go to babies r us, cause little man needs pjs!  And I can't find ones that I like around here.
cupcakes!!!!! 
snack week for my little kindergartner
home work for the kids
homework for me
I have already been to walmart today and will be back again
another appointment on Friday
normal cleaning, laundry, housework, dinners, lunches.. just being a mom!
Dealing with family drama. 
dealing with my emotions
editing
getting ready for fall break
lots of baseball... play off games!
And maybe some Christmas shopping..  I am about half way done. 

That's probably not all.