Replaced

Wow to be replaced in less than a week. She was probably in the picture when we were together. Spending nights with her. I was a joke. Nothing. Someone to use and abuse.  Everyone was right, you were using me, I should have listened. How dare you!!!  You have no conscience. None.  All those things you were saying about me being a whore, that I'm cheating... They were about yourself. And allowing Rhett around her.  Wow.  Words can't explain this.  I'll never forgive you.  Never.  I didn't mean a damn thing to you.  I hope I never see you again. All I would be looking at is a fake. A liar. A cheater. Once your money is gone, she'll leave you.  She won't support you. Don't bother ever contacting me again. I won't listen. I won't answer. This was too much. Too much for me.  Time won't heal this.  

My Letter

As I sit here and have had time to reflect on things, some things are still unclear.  Maybe they always will be.  I'm not sure.  After spending your life with someone for two years, someone you want to marry "by the end of the year", the "love of your life" how can you just walk out. No goodbye.  Nothing. Calling them was wrong, but that's it never again wrong?  No.  There's more.  There has to be.  I supported you for two years, always there for you, especially when you were crying.  You can't say the same.  I was bawling.  I was begging.  You felt nothing.  You showed no concern for me at all.  No concern for my kids.  No concern for my well being.  You felt nothing.  How is that possible??? Maybe there is someone else.  Funny how you get some money and you want me out of your life.  What, were you worried I would get some of your money? Or that you may have to pay for something? Or maybe you were worried that you may have to take me on a date? Whatever the reason it's shitty.  No excuse.  After me being there for you that one night and how awful you behaved you couldn't be there for me??  Well I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for whatever I did or didn't do that made you not love me.  I'm sorry you found "someone else to sleep with" like you wanted.  I'm sorry I was never good enough.  I'm sorry all of my efforts were never good enough.  I would have done anything for you!!  And now for what?  To be thrown away?  That really isn't fair.   And I'm sorry for what is going to happen.  If I did nothing right for two years, I did protect you.  More than you will ever know.  You, unfortunately can't say the same.  My health isn't great, and not once did you show concern. But I protected you. Not because I had too but because I love you. You don't love me and I can't protect you anymore.  You won't ever hear from me again, just like you want. You want me gone so much you will get your wish.  I hope you change your ways someday.  I hope you find whatever you are looking for that will make you happy.  This is my goodbye.  This is my closure Maybe I'm not suppose to understand but I know I won't allow another man to put me through this kind of hell again.  Goodbye to you.   

A little fashion today

Bear paw boots.  Kohls tights.  Simple but comfy!!! Love this outfit! 

Lies

As I sit here I'm left with questions. Questions I can't answer.  To be lied to so much; its crushing.  I see he was trying to hurt me and he succeed at that.  Words can truly express what I'm feeling.  After knowing some one so long and now knowing that he lied so much to me. But why??  I told him from day one I can't deal with lies.  And I can't.  What did I do to deserve this?  Whatever it is, I'm sorry.  I really am. I wish I could take it back because I would.  There no apology. No explanation. Just lies and then gone.  No contact.  Nothing. I'm left to pick up the pieces; to make sense of this somehow.  I was nothing. Truly nothing to him. I'm sorry for everything that I ever did. 

Never again.

Don't ever stand for any type of abuse.  Verbal or physical.   By the way, I was HOME while you were calling me these names!!!!! 

Tonight

Well tonight my whole family is having a birthday dinner for my oldest son. And I will be the only one there without someone.  No partner.  No spouse.  Nothing.  Because the one I was with chose someone else.  Because I didn't compare to her in his eyes.  Because he has been with others.  How humiliating for me.   I'm a joke.  I was a game.  I gave my all and it wasn't good enough.  I've been married and now this.  It's almost too much to bare.  

Thoughts

Well my Counslor thinks I should start writing more. Expressing my feelings. Get them out.  She thinks it will help.  Maybe she is crazy, or maybe she has a point.  Who knows.  Im not sure what the point is anymore.  To get better?  Is that even possible at this point? 

So what do I feel.  I feel like I am in a deep dark hole, one that no matter how much I climb, crawl, or scratch I won't be able to get out of.  A lonely depressing hole, where all I can hear are my thoughts on how I'm a failure. How apparently I am hated and don't deserve to live.  All the names I have been called.  It's all on repeat; through the day and night.  All I can think is that I'll be stuck here forever.  Whatever forever is.  

Nope, I don't feel better.  Maybe tomorrow.