A little fashion today

Bear paw boots.  Kohls tights.  Simple but comfy!!! Love this outfit! 

Lies

As I sit here I'm left with questions. Questions I can't answer.  To be lied to so much; its crushing.  I see he was trying to hurt me and he succeed at that.  Words can truly express what I'm feeling.  After knowing some one so long and now knowing that he lied so much to me. But why??  I told him from day one I can't deal with lies.  And I can't.  What did I do to deserve this?  Whatever it is, I'm sorry.  I really am. I wish I could take it back because I would.  There no apology. No explanation. Just lies and then gone.  No contact.  Nothing. I'm left to pick up the pieces; to make sense of this somehow.  I was nothing. Truly nothing to him. I'm sorry for everything that I ever did. 

Never again.

Don't ever stand for any type of abuse.  Verbal or physical.   By the way, I was HOME while you were calling me these names!!!!! 

Tonight

Well tonight my whole family is having a birthday dinner for my oldest son. And I will be the only one there without someone.  No partner.  No spouse.  Nothing.  Because the one I was with chose someone else.  Because I didn't compare to her in his eyes.  Because he has been with others.  How humiliating for me.   I'm a joke.  I was a game.  I gave my all and it wasn't good enough.  I've been married and now this.  It's almost too much to bare.  

Thoughts

Well my Counslor thinks I should start writing more. Expressing my feelings. Get them out.  She thinks it will help.  Maybe she is crazy, or maybe she has a point.  Who knows.  Im not sure what the point is anymore.  To get better?  Is that even possible at this point? 

So what do I feel.  I feel like I am in a deep dark hole, one that no matter how much I climb, crawl, or scratch I won't be able to get out of.  A lonely depressing hole, where all I can hear are my thoughts on how I'm a failure. How apparently I am hated and don't deserve to live.  All the names I have been called.  It's all on repeat; through the day and night.  All I can think is that I'll be stuck here forever.  Whatever forever is.  

Nope, I don't feel better.  Maybe tomorrow.  

Compares

If a man compares you to his ex or exes often, comparing you and making you out to be a less of a person than that's a sign you should move on. Nothing good will come from that.  It's a sign that he isn't over that person. You should leave!  It will get worse.  He will end up picking that person. Maybe not today or even tomorrow but at some point. He will pick her.  They always do.  And then someday when your relationship is over he will let you know what your replacement will be like.  He will even compare you to someone he doesn't even have or maybe he does.  So don't break your own heart with him. Save your dignity and don't let it get that far.  Because once it does and all you ever deal with is being compared. Compared where you are the worst person. It will ruin you.  It will destroy you. It will put you in a deep depression.  So leave because it gets to that. Run!!!  Don't be compared.  Especially to someone he still loves.  

My pain.

I don't understand.  Maybe I'm not meant to understand.  Love is a funny thing. People throw the I love you's around like nothing in today's time.  Nothing is special. For me, I love you means I Love You!!  With all of me.  It doesn't come and go. It doesn't depend on my mood.  I love you. The good and the bad. The happy and the sad.  From now till forever.  I love you.  Maybe I love too deeply.  Maybe I am rare or weird.  Probably so.  To me, you defend the one you love.  You protect them. You take care of them.  You don't compare them to anyone, especially an ex.  And especially not repeatedly.  You don't "hate" them.  They are your person.  They are the one you go to. You are open and honest with the one you love.  But in today's time everyone has secrets. Big and small. Daily life crap secrets. Someone can say I love you and make you last on the list.  Seriously??  That's BS in my mind.  Once again I'm odd, I know.  

So now I hurt.  Because I love too deeply.  Because moving on is the hardest thing for me to do.  Because I suck at moving on.  Because I miss that person so much.  Love doesn't end when goodbyes are sad. Or not for me.  Maybe I'll recover. Maybe I won't.  Time will tell.  

Love

The love of your life.  What is that?  Is it even real?  I use to believe in it. Now I'm not so sure.  If you think someone is the love of your life, but you aren't the love of his life; does that really make him the love of your life?  Shouldn't the love of your life also have you as the love of his life?  In my mind that's how it's suppose to be, but unfortunately it usually isn't that way.  Not in today's time.  Do people really have more than one love of their life?  That doesn't seem possible either. Or not to me.  Maybe I'm just not that loveable.   

Hate

"I hate you". When you love someone those are probably the most painful words ever to hear.  To find out that the person you love/ loved doesn't feel the same way about you, that's crushing.  That can destroy your heart and soul.  Hate is such a strong word. It's worse than dislike or even not care for.  Hate- passionate dislike; loathe, despise.  Ouch!  Hearing it once hurts but can be forgiven.  Maybe it slipped out.  But multiple "I hate you"s isn't forgivable.  There's no amount of I'm sorry that can put the pieces of your soul back together.  Even if you hate someone try and put yourself in that person's place before you ruin them.  

Thinking.

As I sit here and think of things that I shouldn't be thinking.  Things I shouldn't remember.  Why does the mind do that?  Is it to torture? Is it to hurt you? Is it to remember bad things so you won't go running back to what has caused you all this hurt?  That I don't know.  Maybe there is a lesson and through the pain and suffering you are growing. Growing into the person you need to become. Or maybe it's because you are dumb and make stupid mistakes. In my case, I'm sure it's the last one. I am dumb. I make stupid mistakes. No one is perfect.  I'm far from it.  I've hurt people and been hurt. I'm made more than my share of mistakes. I'm not the person I should be.  Maybe someday I will be.  But not today. 

4th of July

 A little 4th of July craft.  

And for the table. 

Last surgery

Well I figured since I haven't written on here in a while, I would start back up.  I guess I'll start with my last surgery, since all the rest are on here. Maybe someday I'll look back and be able to laugh about it, but probably not since my body is more like a horror story.  

Anyway, here goes.  Saturday all day I was hurting. I still have pain on the left side from my surgery before this one.  But Saturday April 25th it was on my right side.  Different.  I told myself maybe  I'm ovulating.  I reminded myself that I had just had an ultrasound that Monday before and everything was ok except for a cysts that we were going to watch and recheck in June.   No biggie.  Sunday morning still hurting.  So I took 4 Motrin and a pain pill.  By afternoon, still hurting. More medicine, which is what both my doctors were telling me to take.  By evening, I was barely able to walk so I knew I had to go to the ER.  I got there around 6:30 pm.  I was wondering if I had a kidney stone.  They did a ct scan, and found that I do have a kidney stone but that wasn't what was hurting me.  Blood work.  Started an iv.  Four rounds of pain medicine.  Nothing was helping. They did an ultrasound. I have had millions by this point. But it was taking a long time. So I asked if things were ok?  She asked if she could do the ultrasound another way cause she couldn't see the blood flow too well.  I agreed.  During that it was taking a REALLY long time.  So I asked again if things were ok. She tells me she's just a tech and the doctor will talk to me.  I said that can't be good.  Which I was right.  The doctor comes in and says there is an issue with the right ovary, and he called in the gynecologist to see me.  Definitely thinking at this point things aren't good.  So I made some phone calls to inform family.  The gyno comes in and explains the blood flow to my right ovary isn't getting there and they can't let me leave. At this point I'm throwing up a lot.  Probably 15 times in two hours.  He explained that it may be twisted and they are hoping to do surgery an untwist it and save it.  Worse case, I'll lose the ovary.  I explained that I only have the right left.  He said he would do everything he could but with how long I had been hurting it wasn't promising.  Damn me and my stubbornness!!! They call in everyone and prep the OR.  I had emergency surgery at 11:30 pm.  When I woke up I asked if I had my right ovary and was informed that I didn't.  The crying began than.  The first week was hell.  Emotions everywhere. Crying a lot.  I'm still healing and dealing with emotions and we are trying to balance me.  If that's even possible.  I just hope to feel like myself again. Someday.  I don't feel much like a woman anymore, my female organs have been robbed from me.  Hopefully I will adjust at some point.  I was suppose to keep that ovary till I was mid 40's.  It only lasted alone for seven months.  I'm still in shock.  

If you have been through this, I would love to hear from you.  

American Sniper

Awesome movie!   What a hero!  

Sums It Up

This sums up my Sunday and part of my Monday.  Crazy. And not in a good way. I would be perfectly happy to never see another doctor or hospital ever again.  

Today.

On this day, eight years ago my heart was broken.  Today all those years ago I lost a baby.  It crushed me.  January 4th is always hard.  That baby was "growing great", the baby "looked perfect", was "healthy".  I was even told that after having four healthy babies and losing only one that my chance of losing a second in a row was less than 10%.  And that 10% went down even more when I heard a "healthy strong" heartbeat.  But no, all those words didn't stop me from losing that baby.   So today hurts just like it did 8 years ago.  But today I remember that little one.