One Year

Well it has been a year plus a few days since my hysterectomy.  Let's just say life sucks!  I'm still having some bleeding, which isn't "normal" at all. My pain is awful.  I have a lot of other issues that I won't go into here. Hell, I can't even tell my doctor everything.  A hysterectomy didn't fix me.  If anything it made things worse.  It's like my body is angry and taking it out on me.  Maybe I should of taken my chances with precancerous cells.  What I do know is, something has to change.  I'm too old to still be in this much pain. The last few days I've had to take a pain pill at bedtime to get a little relief so I can sleep. And if you know me a pain pill knows me out!  That's why I can't take one during the day. Plus I hate drugs.  But the misery I'm in is ridiculous.  :( they need to find something for endometriosis and PCOS. I'm so worried about my young daughter.  Everything that I have is heredity.  And I know she will have these problems. It makes me sick thinking about it.  No one deserves this.  I see my doctor in a few weeks, I'm sure I'll hear the same crap all over again...."there's not much else they can do for me".   All I know is a hysterectomy wasn't the answer.  

4 Weeks Post Op

I'll make this short and sweet.  I am 4 weeks post op today.. hard to believe it has been 4 weeks.

Incisions- healing, light bruising on two.  One incision still looks bad but it was open.  It is closing. I will be scarred.  That upsets me. 

Bruising- Only light bruising.

Pain- Comes and goes.  If I over do it, it is bad.  I still have a lot of pains though.  Especially from my ovaries.  But they were messed with too.  And one of my incisions is still too sore to touch and the whole muscle hurts.  The doctor said it was normal, but I am not sure how much longer this is considered normal. I think he hurt the muscle. 

Mental- Bad.  I am not healing mentally.  I honestly wish this had never happened. 

My Journey {10 Days Post Op}

10 days have come and gone now.  I am a little shocked that it has been 10 days already.  But I am glad that I am very tough or I would have died in the last ten days.  This has been the worst recovery ever for me.  And this was my 5th surgery.  I am still lovely shades of bruised, mainly black.  My incisions still hurt, especially when touched.  And laying down or getting up still hurts a lot.  Who knew how much you used your stomach muscles untill your stomach was jacked up.  But I am healing, at least physically.  Mentally, it is still rocky.  I am not sure I will heal mentally though.  We shall see.  I still have like ten more days till I see my doctor, and seeing my body makes me want to hurt him also.  The swelling has been crazy with this recovery.  In the morning, I look like I am 3 months pregnant, and by the end of the day I look 5 months pregnant, all from swelling.  It's crazy!  I guess that is normal?  I truly have no idea.  And I have a crappy nurse that doesn't tell me much of anything, so I am waiting to see.  And I am off of Motrin now too.  I was usppose to stay on pain pills for 1-2 months, that lasted 2 days.  And Motrin for about the same amount of time.  I guess having a high pain tolerance pays off at times.  But it probably would of been an easier recovery if I had taken the pain pills like I should of and rested more.  But life goes on and here's to ten more days of recovery..



Well a correction. I had glue bandages over the incisions. The glue has been coming off but now they are completely gone. And in two of my incisions I have a stitch hanging out of my body and the incisions are more open where the stitch is. I guess I ripped them or pulled it. I'm going to have a scar for sure. Now I'm upset again. I'm not sure what to do.

My Journey (7 Days Post Op)

7 days, 1 week out of surgery... so when does the healing start happening?  I am more bruised today than two days ago.  My moods and emotions are everywhere.  I can't control them, and at times I can't even stand me.  I am so sad and heartbroken.  I am still in a lot of pain, even though I am not on my pain pills and haven't been for 5 days.  Yesterday I made my belly button bleed from sneezing.. a simple sneeze.  I am not sure if I tore a stitch or what.  With my last surgery I tore a stitch or two post op in my belly button, that was because I was doing too much.  But I have been too much this time too.  Resting isn't happening too much at all.  So who knows.  I just want to feel normal.  Or at least better.

My Journey (Day Five Post Op)

Today I'm five days out and today sucks! It's Monday so that means taking kids to school, going to Walmart, cleaning, picking up the kids, baby sitting, homework, etc, etc. fun times. Not really. I'm in a lot if pain today. I didn't sleep much at all last night. I feel lost and my emotions are out of control. I would never recommend a hysterectomy. Not that this was really my choice though.

Here are some pictures of bruising. I think I hate my doctor right now.

 

My smallest incision with the least amount of drama.

My worst one.  This one is black and looks awful!

Another one.  Yellowish green.

That is down my leg.  I can't show you the other parts of me that are BLACK!!! 

Belly button, it looks better than last time, but hurts badly.  Some bruising, worst inicion though.

 

Other parts of me are black.  I have never seen a bruise so big or black in my life.  It is awful!  I would think it will be here for a month of more.  I can't see this thing going away anytime soon. 

 

I can't believe what my body looks like.  It makes me cry daily to see it.  And then to know what I have been through makes me cry more.  Crying is the only thing I am good at right now.  Or being mad at the world.  I am good at that too.

My Journey

Here I sit almost 72 hours post op, and this is a nightmare.  The surgery went ok, the recovery is sucking though.  I look like I was in a knife fight and I lost.  My stomach look awful, 4 incisions.  I am bruised.  I hurt.  And the baby isn't an easy baby.  Everyone seems to want to help with the older kids, the kids that can walk and go to the bathroom alone. But the baby, that seems to be my job.  Carrying him around is killer on me.  He kicks me in the incisions.  This has been going on since I came out of surgery.  He stayed with me in the hospital and 12 hours after surgery I was carrying him around to calm me down to get him to go to sleep.  Standing in the bathroom crying while holding him because I was in so much pain, because I couldn't take the pain pills cause they were making me sick and the hospital wasn't allowing me food.  And now, nothing has changed.  I am done crying.  I am still hurting.  I am still doing things I'm not suppose to do.  I haven't had  a pain pill in over 24 hours now, and probably won't take another one.  They make me too tired and I can't take care of the kids.  All I do know is that I shouldn't of had surgery.  I have no idea how I am going to pay for this, and it's already something I regret.  My body is taking a beating, while it is trying to heal. I am so swollen, and it is very lopsided.  The nurses said that was ok.  Seems odd to me though.  It would make more sense if the side I carried Parker on was more swollen but it isn't.  I guess the only decent thing about all of this is I don't have precancerous cells, at least for right.  But I don't feel like me.  Part of me is missing.  Part of me, that I need.

My Journey

I have decided to take my readers (there are not many of you), on my personal journey with me. Maybe this will help me cope with the reality that is my life. Usually writing helps me, helps me calm down and work things out in my mind. A little background on me, in January of 2003 I was diagnosed with endometriosis and PCOS. Since that time I have had 3 other surgeries, all for endometriosis and PCOS. On top of those two things I have something wrong with my uterus. I get infections often and have major bleeding issues. Well my pap smear came back abnormal in May for the first time ever. So in August (yes it took that long to get back in with my doctor due to my baby getting pneumonia and my doctor having back surgery) I had a biopsy, most everyone I know told me it was no big deal that the pap probably was just wrong. Not to worry, that the biopsy would come back normal. Well if it had only been that easy. My biopsy came back abnormal as did my 2^nd pap smear. I have abnormal cervical cells, I was told that they weren’t cancer yet. But that with this kind of abnormal cells I would be looking at them turning cancerous in a couple of years. I am only in my early 30’s. So as of right now I have a hysterectomy (partial) scheduled for October 17^th…. 6 weeks away. And it has taken me almost two weeks to even be able to deal with this. Cancer scares me some. If I get cancer, I know what will happen. People die from cancer every day. That’s a fact. Do I want cancer? No. Do I want a hysterectomy? I am honestly not sure. I have known that a hysterectomy was in my future since 2005. But to have no real option… not what I expected. Yes I have several children, 6 living children and I have lost two. No I don’t want to lose another baby, that is heartbreaking beyond words. This surgery eliminates my chances of ever having another baby. That is heart breaking to me. I am not even sure if I want another one. Most of the time I don’t. But there is always that small voice in the back of my mind that says are you sure? How am I going to get her to shut up? It’s like my biological clock won’t shut off. I do believe some women are more maternal than others. I have 6 and baby sit a couple of others, and it doesn’t bother me. I do feel like this surgery is partly a waste though. Yes it lowers my chances of cervical cancer (I don’t believe you are ever 100% free from cancer), but it doesn’t do anything for my daily pain or if I get ovarian. Nothing. My ovaries are bad also. So yes, someday I will need those removed. My doctor wants me to keep my ovaries for another 10 years… another 10 years of pain. Maybe I will get over it, my worry is that I won’t. I don’t like change. All of these worries don’t even touch the financial part of it. Being poor sucks! Making payments isn’t any better either. I don’t want to be in debt for the rest of my life, and paying $10 dollars a month doesn’t work. It’s times like this that I don’t even think I can afford my own body. So this is my journey, it will be a long one; an emotional one. Hopefully it will be worth it in the end.   That's my rambling for now...