My Journey (Day Five Post Op)

Today I'm five days out and today sucks! It's Monday so that means taking kids to school, going to Walmart, cleaning, picking up the kids, baby sitting, homework, etc, etc. fun times. Not really. I'm in a lot if pain today. I didn't sleep much at all last night. I feel lost and my emotions are out of control. I would never recommend a hysterectomy. Not that this was really my choice though.

Here are some pictures of bruising. I think I hate my doctor right now.

 

My smallest incision with the least amount of drama.

My worst one.  This one is black and looks awful!

Another one.  Yellowish green.

That is down my leg.  I can't show you the other parts of me that are BLACK!!! 

Belly button, it looks better than last time, but hurts badly.  Some bruising, worst inicion though.

 

Other parts of me are black.  I have never seen a bruise so big or black in my life.  It is awful!  I would think it will be here for a month of more.  I can't see this thing going away anytime soon. 

 

I can't believe what my body looks like.  It makes me cry daily to see it.  And then to know what I have been through makes me cry more.  Crying is the only thing I am good at right now.  Or being mad at the world.  I am good at that too.

My Journey

Here I sit almost 72 hours post op, and this is a nightmare.  The surgery went ok, the recovery is sucking though.  I look like I was in a knife fight and I lost.  My stomach look awful, 4 incisions.  I am bruised.  I hurt.  And the baby isn't an easy baby.  Everyone seems to want to help with the older kids, the kids that can walk and go to the bathroom alone. But the baby, that seems to be my job.  Carrying him around is killer on me.  He kicks me in the incisions.  This has been going on since I came out of surgery.  He stayed with me in the hospital and 12 hours after surgery I was carrying him around to calm me down to get him to go to sleep.  Standing in the bathroom crying while holding him because I was in so much pain, because I couldn't take the pain pills cause they were making me sick and the hospital wasn't allowing me food.  And now, nothing has changed.  I am done crying.  I am still hurting.  I am still doing things I'm not suppose to do.  I haven't had  a pain pill in over 24 hours now, and probably won't take another one.  They make me too tired and I can't take care of the kids.  All I do know is that I shouldn't of had surgery.  I have no idea how I am going to pay for this, and it's already something I regret.  My body is taking a beating, while it is trying to heal. I am so swollen, and it is very lopsided.  The nurses said that was ok.  Seems odd to me though.  It would make more sense if the side I carried Parker on was more swollen but it isn't.  I guess the only decent thing about all of this is I don't have precancerous cells, at least for right.  But I don't feel like me.  Part of me is missing.  Part of me, that I need.