My Journey {10 Days Post Op}

10 days have come and gone now.  I am a little shocked that it has been 10 days already.  But I am glad that I am very tough or I would have died in the last ten days.  This has been the worst recovery ever for me.  And this was my 5th surgery.  I am still lovely shades of bruised, mainly black.  My incisions still hurt, especially when touched.  And laying down or getting up still hurts a lot.  Who knew how much you used your stomach muscles untill your stomach was jacked up.  But I am healing, at least physically.  Mentally, it is still rocky.  I am not sure I will heal mentally though.  We shall see.  I still have like ten more days till I see my doctor, and seeing my body makes me want to hurt him also.  The swelling has been crazy with this recovery.  In the morning, I look like I am 3 months pregnant, and by the end of the day I look 5 months pregnant, all from swelling.  It's crazy!  I guess that is normal?  I truly have no idea.  And I have a crappy nurse that doesn't tell me much of anything, so I am waiting to see.  And I am off of Motrin now too.  I was usppose to stay on pain pills for 1-2 months, that lasted 2 days.  And Motrin for about the same amount of time.  I guess having a high pain tolerance pays off at times.  But it probably would of been an easier recovery if I had taken the pain pills like I should of and rested more.  But life goes on and here's to ten more days of recovery..



Well a correction. I had glue bandages over the incisions. The glue has been coming off but now they are completely gone. And in two of my incisions I have a stitch hanging out of my body and the incisions are more open where the stitch is. I guess I ripped them or pulled it. I'm going to have a scar for sure. Now I'm upset again. I'm not sure what to do.

My Journey

Here I sit almost 72 hours post op, and this is a nightmare.  The surgery went ok, the recovery is sucking though.  I look like I was in a knife fight and I lost.  My stomach look awful, 4 incisions.  I am bruised.  I hurt.  And the baby isn't an easy baby.  Everyone seems to want to help with the older kids, the kids that can walk and go to the bathroom alone. But the baby, that seems to be my job.  Carrying him around is killer on me.  He kicks me in the incisions.  This has been going on since I came out of surgery.  He stayed with me in the hospital and 12 hours after surgery I was carrying him around to calm me down to get him to go to sleep.  Standing in the bathroom crying while holding him because I was in so much pain, because I couldn't take the pain pills cause they were making me sick and the hospital wasn't allowing me food.  And now, nothing has changed.  I am done crying.  I am still hurting.  I am still doing things I'm not suppose to do.  I haven't had  a pain pill in over 24 hours now, and probably won't take another one.  They make me too tired and I can't take care of the kids.  All I do know is that I shouldn't of had surgery.  I have no idea how I am going to pay for this, and it's already something I regret.  My body is taking a beating, while it is trying to heal. I am so swollen, and it is very lopsided.  The nurses said that was ok.  Seems odd to me though.  It would make more sense if the side I carried Parker on was more swollen but it isn't.  I guess the only decent thing about all of this is I don't have precancerous cells, at least for right.  But I don't feel like me.  Part of me is missing.  Part of me, that I need.

Doctor Day

Parker is the toughest baby ever!!! He had to go to the doctor today, so did Michael. Michael got shots and cried. Parker had to do blood work and it took 3 different people sticking him and digging in his veins before someone finally got it... and he never once cried!!! He whined twice and the rest of the time was ok, just watching them! He and Michael are growing well. :)  Parker is "perfect".  He is army crawling, scooting all over, and pulling himself up.  He can say mama now.  He is eating fruits, veggies, cereals, and yogurt.  He drinks from a cup and self feeds.  Before long he will be a toddler!

I also went to the doctor today... mine was just so so.  I hate doctors. All they do is give you bad news.  But that could be from my crappy attitude right now, since family and doctors suck! Even a cupcake didn't cheer me up.

My Journey

I have decided to take my readers (there are not many of you), on my personal journey with me. Maybe this will help me cope with the reality that is my life. Usually writing helps me, helps me calm down and work things out in my mind. A little background on me, in January of 2003 I was diagnosed with endometriosis and PCOS. Since that time I have had 3 other surgeries, all for endometriosis and PCOS. On top of those two things I have something wrong with my uterus. I get infections often and have major bleeding issues. Well my pap smear came back abnormal in May for the first time ever. So in August (yes it took that long to get back in with my doctor due to my baby getting pneumonia and my doctor having back surgery) I had a biopsy, most everyone I know told me it was no big deal that the pap probably was just wrong. Not to worry, that the biopsy would come back normal. Well if it had only been that easy. My biopsy came back abnormal as did my 2^nd pap smear. I have abnormal cervical cells, I was told that they weren’t cancer yet. But that with this kind of abnormal cells I would be looking at them turning cancerous in a couple of years. I am only in my early 30’s. So as of right now I have a hysterectomy (partial) scheduled for October 17^th…. 6 weeks away. And it has taken me almost two weeks to even be able to deal with this. Cancer scares me some. If I get cancer, I know what will happen. People die from cancer every day. That’s a fact. Do I want cancer? No. Do I want a hysterectomy? I am honestly not sure. I have known that a hysterectomy was in my future since 2005. But to have no real option… not what I expected. Yes I have several children, 6 living children and I have lost two. No I don’t want to lose another baby, that is heartbreaking beyond words. This surgery eliminates my chances of ever having another baby. That is heart breaking to me. I am not even sure if I want another one. Most of the time I don’t. But there is always that small voice in the back of my mind that says are you sure? How am I going to get her to shut up? It’s like my biological clock won’t shut off. I do believe some women are more maternal than others. I have 6 and baby sit a couple of others, and it doesn’t bother me. I do feel like this surgery is partly a waste though. Yes it lowers my chances of cervical cancer (I don’t believe you are ever 100% free from cancer), but it doesn’t do anything for my daily pain or if I get ovarian. Nothing. My ovaries are bad also. So yes, someday I will need those removed. My doctor wants me to keep my ovaries for another 10 years… another 10 years of pain. Maybe I will get over it, my worry is that I won’t. I don’t like change. All of these worries don’t even touch the financial part of it. Being poor sucks! Making payments isn’t any better either. I don’t want to be in debt for the rest of my life, and paying $10 dollars a month doesn’t work. It’s times like this that I don’t even think I can afford my own body. So this is my journey, it will be a long one; an emotional one. Hopefully it will be worth it in the end.   That's my rambling for now...