Pain again.

A little over two months ago, I had my seventh surgery.  There was a 75% chance that I would be pain free or at least pain free in that area. Well I fall into the 25%.  The pain is back.  It isn't as bad as it was; I'm still able to walk and lift things, but the last month it has been getting worse.  The endometriosis had spread in sept to other areas, after surgery is when I usually feel the best for 9-24 months.  This time I'm

Actually worried what the future will bring since I'm already hurting again.  I wish my body was "normal" but that isn't ever going to happen.  

Weight Loss

I've lost over ten pounds, now it's time to tone!!!  

Body issues

I'm wondering how much more my body is going to put me through.  Endometriosis, PCOS, bleeding issues- which almost cost me my life more than once, a hysterectomy, my appendix,  and now the removal of an ovary.  Seriously???   What's next? Nevermind I don't want to know.  I already have days where I don't feel like a girl because I don't have a uterus. Part of me is missing.  Not that I enjoyed periods or anything but still. I was use to feeling like a female.  And now let's throw my hormones off. My hormones are already crappy. I'm an emotional wreck sometimes. Making that worse doesn't sound like fun to me.  Six surgeries in 11 years is too much. Maybe there is no fixing this. I don't know what else to do with this body.  Be in too much pain or keep having surgeries.  I'm in a no win. 

My Journey

Here I sit almost 72 hours post op, and this is a nightmare.  The surgery went ok, the recovery is sucking though.  I look like I was in a knife fight and I lost.  My stomach look awful, 4 incisions.  I am bruised.  I hurt.  And the baby isn't an easy baby.  Everyone seems to want to help with the older kids, the kids that can walk and go to the bathroom alone. But the baby, that seems to be my job.  Carrying him around is killer on me.  He kicks me in the incisions.  This has been going on since I came out of surgery.  He stayed with me in the hospital and 12 hours after surgery I was carrying him around to calm me down to get him to go to sleep.  Standing in the bathroom crying while holding him because I was in so much pain, because I couldn't take the pain pills cause they were making me sick and the hospital wasn't allowing me food.  And now, nothing has changed.  I am done crying.  I am still hurting.  I am still doing things I'm not suppose to do.  I haven't had  a pain pill in over 24 hours now, and probably won't take another one.  They make me too tired and I can't take care of the kids.  All I do know is that I shouldn't of had surgery.  I have no idea how I am going to pay for this, and it's already something I regret.  My body is taking a beating, while it is trying to heal. I am so swollen, and it is very lopsided.  The nurses said that was ok.  Seems odd to me though.  It would make more sense if the side I carried Parker on was more swollen but it isn't.  I guess the only decent thing about all of this is I don't have precancerous cells, at least for right.  But I don't feel like me.  Part of me is missing.  Part of me, that I need.