One Year

Well it has been a year plus a few days since my hysterectomy.  Let's just say life sucks!  I'm still having some bleeding, which isn't "normal" at all. My pain is awful.  I have a lot of other issues that I won't go into here. Hell, I can't even tell my doctor everything.  A hysterectomy didn't fix me.  If anything it made things worse.  It's like my body is angry and taking it out on me.  Maybe I should of taken my chances with precancerous cells.  What I do know is, something has to change.  I'm too old to still be in this much pain. The last few days I've had to take a pain pill at bedtime to get a little relief so I can sleep. And if you know me a pain pill knows me out!  That's why I can't take one during the day. Plus I hate drugs.  But the misery I'm in is ridiculous.  :( they need to find something for endometriosis and PCOS. I'm so worried about my young daughter.  Everything that I have is heredity.  And I know she will have these problems. It makes me sick thinking about it.  No one deserves this.  I see my doctor in a few weeks, I'm sure I'll hear the same crap all over again...."there's not much else they can do for me".   All I know is a hysterectomy wasn't the answer.  

4 Weeks Post Op

I'll make this short and sweet.  I am 4 weeks post op today.. hard to believe it has been 4 weeks.

Incisions- healing, light bruising on two.  One incision still looks bad but it was open.  It is closing. I will be scarred.  That upsets me. 

Bruising- Only light bruising.

Pain- Comes and goes.  If I over do it, it is bad.  I still have a lot of pains though.  Especially from my ovaries.  But they were messed with too.  And one of my incisions is still too sore to touch and the whole muscle hurts.  The doctor said it was normal, but I am not sure how much longer this is considered normal. I think he hurt the muscle. 

Mental- Bad.  I am not healing mentally.  I honestly wish this had never happened. 

Lost

Everyone deals with pain and loss in their own way.  What works for some, doesn't work for others.  The saying "time heals all pain", is true for most everyone.  Time does make it easier to deal with pain and loss.  But does it ever really go away?  Maybe for some.  I am not sure.  For me, not all the way.  5 years ago yesterday I suffered a first miscarriage.  I still remember it like it was yesterday, even though it has been 5 years.  I remember the pain I felt, mainly mental with this miscarriage.  With my second miscarriage, which was January 4, 2008, that was both mental and physical.  In reality, we are not suppose to discuss a miscarriage, we are suppose to pretend that it didn't happen.  Society doesn't deal with miscarriage.  They pretend.  The women that have had miscarriages are expected to pretend.  To some miscarriage isn't a real thing.  But after you see a heart beating on an ultrasound and see arms and legs moving around... isn't that real? 

 

With my first miscarriage, I knew from early on (3-4 weeks pregnant) that the baby wasn't going to make it.  I had never lost one before, but I couldn't stop bleeding.  I had had 4 healthy boys, the younger 3's pregnancy were rough and I had bleeding through the pregnancies but not like what I was experiencing.  I kept telling my doctor something was wrong, he kept telling me I was ok.  My numbers were ok.  We did discuss what would happen if I did have a miscarriage.  He mentioned that if the baby doesn't make it, then they may have to do a D&C, which I told him wasn't going to happen.  No one was taking my baby from me.  It didn't come to that.  On September 23rd, I ended up in the ER since the bleeding was way worse, and they confirmed my numbers were dropping at that point.  I was sent home to deal with having a miscarriage. 

 

The mental pain I felt was almost too much to bare.  All I did was cry, for days, weeks, months.  And to turn around and get pregnant again and lose another one was even more crushing.  That miscarriage was a lot worse though.  I may write about that one in January, we will see. 

 

So to those that have lost, I feel your pain, and nothing I say will take that away from you. 

 

To my sweet Angel- I choose to call you by a name, to send you a balloon on your birthday, and light a candle to remember you.  Because I won't forget about you, or pretend that you didn't happen.