My Journey

I have decided to take my readers (there are not many of you), on my personal journey with me. Maybe this will help me cope with the reality that is my life. Usually writing helps me, helps me calm down and work things out in my mind. A little background on me, in January of 2003 I was diagnosed with endometriosis and PCOS. Since that time I have had 3 other surgeries, all for endometriosis and PCOS. On top of those two things I have something wrong with my uterus. I get infections often and have major bleeding issues. Well my pap smear came back abnormal in May for the first time ever. So in August (yes it took that long to get back in with my doctor due to my baby getting pneumonia and my doctor having back surgery) I had a biopsy, most everyone I know told me it was no big deal that the pap probably was just wrong. Not to worry, that the biopsy would come back normal. Well if it had only been that easy. My biopsy came back abnormal as did my 2^nd pap smear. I have abnormal cervical cells, I was told that they weren’t cancer yet. But that with this kind of abnormal cells I would be looking at them turning cancerous in a couple of years. I am only in my early 30’s. So as of right now I have a hysterectomy (partial) scheduled for October 17^th…. 6 weeks away. And it has taken me almost two weeks to even be able to deal with this. Cancer scares me some. If I get cancer, I know what will happen. People die from cancer every day. That’s a fact. Do I want cancer? No. Do I want a hysterectomy? I am honestly not sure. I have known that a hysterectomy was in my future since 2005. But to have no real option… not what I expected. Yes I have several children, 6 living children and I have lost two. No I don’t want to lose another baby, that is heartbreaking beyond words. This surgery eliminates my chances of ever having another baby. That is heart breaking to me. I am not even sure if I want another one. Most of the time I don’t. But there is always that small voice in the back of my mind that says are you sure? How am I going to get her to shut up? It’s like my biological clock won’t shut off. I do believe some women are more maternal than others. I have 6 and baby sit a couple of others, and it doesn’t bother me. I do feel like this surgery is partly a waste though. Yes it lowers my chances of cervical cancer (I don’t believe you are ever 100% free from cancer), but it doesn’t do anything for my daily pain or if I get ovarian. Nothing. My ovaries are bad also. So yes, someday I will need those removed. My doctor wants me to keep my ovaries for another 10 years… another 10 years of pain. Maybe I will get over it, my worry is that I won’t. I don’t like change. All of these worries don’t even touch the financial part of it. Being poor sucks! Making payments isn’t any better either. I don’t want to be in debt for the rest of my life, and paying $10 dollars a month doesn’t work. It’s times like this that I don’t even think I can afford my own body. So this is my journey, it will be a long one; an emotional one. Hopefully it will be worth it in the end.   That's my rambling for now...