Lost

Everyone deals with pain and loss in their own way.  What works for some, doesn't work for others.  The saying "time heals all pain", is true for most everyone.  Time does make it easier to deal with pain and loss.  But does it ever really go away?  Maybe for some.  I am not sure.  For me, not all the way.  5 years ago yesterday I suffered a first miscarriage.  I still remember it like it was yesterday, even though it has been 5 years.  I remember the pain I felt, mainly mental with this miscarriage.  With my second miscarriage, which was January 4, 2008, that was both mental and physical.  In reality, we are not suppose to discuss a miscarriage, we are suppose to pretend that it didn't happen.  Society doesn't deal with miscarriage.  They pretend.  The women that have had miscarriages are expected to pretend.  To some miscarriage isn't a real thing.  But after you see a heart beating on an ultrasound and see arms and legs moving around... isn't that real? 

 

With my first miscarriage, I knew from early on (3-4 weeks pregnant) that the baby wasn't going to make it.  I had never lost one before, but I couldn't stop bleeding.  I had had 4 healthy boys, the younger 3's pregnancy were rough and I had bleeding through the pregnancies but not like what I was experiencing.  I kept telling my doctor something was wrong, he kept telling me I was ok.  My numbers were ok.  We did discuss what would happen if I did have a miscarriage.  He mentioned that if the baby doesn't make it, then they may have to do a D&C, which I told him wasn't going to happen.  No one was taking my baby from me.  It didn't come to that.  On September 23rd, I ended up in the ER since the bleeding was way worse, and they confirmed my numbers were dropping at that point.  I was sent home to deal with having a miscarriage. 

 

The mental pain I felt was almost too much to bare.  All I did was cry, for days, weeks, months.  And to turn around and get pregnant again and lose another one was even more crushing.  That miscarriage was a lot worse though.  I may write about that one in January, we will see. 

 

So to those that have lost, I feel your pain, and nothing I say will take that away from you. 

 

To my sweet Angel- I choose to call you by a name, to send you a balloon on your birthday, and light a candle to remember you.  Because I won't forget about you, or pretend that you didn't happen.