Surgery

Well my seventh surgery in eleven years is in the books, and if you were hoping I would die; better luck next time.   Endometriosis and PCOS has a way of tearing you apart, one piece at a time. There is no cure for it.  They try to control it.  I think my body has had  enough of it.  And honestly I have had enough of it mentally.  This has been one of the worst recoveries I have had.  My body isn't bouncing back. I opened one incision already.  I'm in pain. I have three sick kids.  I'm stressed.  I'm hormonal.  I don't take the pain pills.  This was my first surgery that I have had unmarried.  All the other times, I was married. So now I do feel more financial stress than I have ever felt.  It's almost too much. But life goes on, so I get up and deal with it.  I will heal.  I will be ok. Because I have to be.  My body will recover.  My hormones will balance themselves out with only one ovary, at some point. This is a part of life for some people.  I wouldnt wish this on anyone though.  

For those of you that have messaged me, asking about me - thank you!  

Body issues

I'm wondering how much more my body is going to put me through.  Endometriosis, PCOS, bleeding issues- which almost cost me my life more than once, a hysterectomy, my appendix,  and now the removal of an ovary.  Seriously???   What's next? Nevermind I don't want to know.  I already have days where I don't feel like a girl because I don't have a uterus. Part of me is missing.  Not that I enjoyed periods or anything but still. I was use to feeling like a female.  And now let's throw my hormones off. My hormones are already crappy. I'm an emotional wreck sometimes. Making that worse doesn't sound like fun to me.  Six surgeries in 11 years is too much. Maybe there is no fixing this. I don't know what else to do with this body.  Be in too much pain or keep having surgeries.  I'm in a no win. 

Caring

Been learning this for a couple of years now.  Some days I'm reminder more of it.  If someone doesn't care about you, move on.  You deserve someone who will care.  

Love

Unfornately, this seems to be fitting.  Was married over thirteen years and still can't be loved.  It must be impossible.  

Heart

Looks about right.  My heart is dumb. 

#WhyIStayed

This whole Ray Rice thing and now the #WhyIStayed thing has made me start thinking why I stayed?  I have been in more than one abusive relationship, the first one was worst than the second one. I have been afraid, hurt, hit, choked, bruised, raped, slapped, and so much more. So why does anyone stay in that kind of relationship? Usually because they think things will get better. If they try a little harder, that person will change. All the promises from the abuser claiming that it won't happen again, we believe. We even think it is our fault, that we deserve this. Even believing it is because we aren't loveable.  We think that if we love the person better or more than things will improve. We also stay out of fear.  If someone is willing to harm you while you are with them, what will they do if you actually leave?  It is easy for someone to say that they wouldn't put up with abuse or they would leave? But being in the situation it isn't as easy as just walking out.  I'm fairly strong minded and I still stayed. Believing things would improve, believing lies.   

Funerals

It's funny how funerals make you reflect on your own life.  Remember things that you try to not remember. I am not the funeral type, actually I try to avoid them at all cost.  But sometimes, I do have to just suck it up and go, like today.  Even when you are not all that close to someone, a funeral is depressing and upsetting.  You remember people you have lost, and it makes you think of your own death.  Today as I was sad for the lost of an aunt and remembering her life, but I was reminded of my grandparents and how much I miss them. It is crazy to me that I have been without my papa for 21 years. It seems like yesterday to me. He was probably one of the only people that I always felt loved around, he made me feel special. A day doesn't go by that I don't miss him. I know my kids would have loved him like I do. It also was a reminder of my grandparents on my mother's side, who did get to meet most of my kids and my oldest son remembers them well, but they were taken without a warning and there was no goodbyes.  Regardless if you get to say goodbye or not, it doesn't lessen the pain. A loss is a loss. I'm not that afraid of dying, I know someday it will happen.  It does to everyone.  I worry about my children and I hope that it will be when they are grown; which also means I will probably die alone.   And that is very depressing to think about. When you get married you never think you will be alone again, but the hard reality of divorce slaps you in the face and then you know... alone is your way of life- get use to it! But as long as I don't leave my children motherless than I will take alone.  Because honestly I will be dead I won't care if I am alone.  I just hope my grandparents and the two little ones I lost are there to greet me, if I make it to heaven.