Happy 9th Birthday G!!!!

It truly amazes me how fast time goes by.  I just had this sweet happy boy, and then blink he is 9 and still as sweet and happy as he was from day one! 

 

Another selfie

Selfie

A few photos that I actually like of myself. And all but one are taken with my phone.  

Influenster

I got my first influenster box today!!  The tampons I can't use (hysterectomy) so I'll give them away. I can't wait to try the nails out. The lipstick is a little pink for me but it's pretty.  The pen is nice. It writes smoothly. The make up is really close to my cooler, I just hope it doesn't cause break outs.  

Parker's Selfies!!!

Spring break

Spring break!!!!! I'm glad I get to spend this week with my favorite people!!! 

Love doesn't hurt

Isn't this the truth?   Unfortunately, I haven't had someone truly love me. I have loved but no one has givenmd their all.  It probably won't happen for me.  But love isn't painful. Lies isn't love. Broken promises isn't love. Even after the relationship is over.... More lies more broken promises. People don't change. 

My loves

Part of my happiness, part of my heart. My heart is all six of my wonderful children. They make me whole.  They make me proud. They are my world. My loves. And of course thunder and ranger get some love too, especially camera hog thunder. Lol!  He thinks he's a person. 

Move on

Isn't this  the truth.  Being married twice has shown me so much. From I love you to disrespect and lies. So many lies.  How you get treated during the relationship; it probably won't get better for you at the end.  

Unfortunately   I haven't changed.  I cared so much. Getting walked on. Getting lied too.  Being flexible about visits. Allowing someone to hang on. I love you's quickly changed to you abused me. Heart breaking truths. Threats.  So sad.  I never thought it would be like this. 

Communication was key. That's gone. 

Fight

Very true.  I will fight to protect my children. The time is here to stand up and not take anymore crap from anyone.  My children are first.  

Future

I'm ready for the next chapter.  Actually it's a whole new book.  I'm looking forward to what's next in my life.  I won't be re-reading the last chapter, that's over and done.  It was time to move on months ago, actually a year ago or more.   I just want to forget the past and make a good life for me and my wonderful children. They are what is most important in my life. And they always will be.   I'm excited for the future, rather there is a man in my life or not I'm not sure. I have learned a lot both good and bad things. I won't forget them either.  Bring on the future.  

Yep!

Yes, I do!! 

 

Good

Cut

Find the right one.

:)

The Truth

As I sit here and stare at my computer, words are failing me.  Things have been done that are unforgiveable.  Lines have been crossed.  There is no going back.  Right or wrong, there will never be going back.  At this time, I am not sure if anyone truly knows me, and maybe that is for the best.  Stay closed off, keep me safe.  I know that no one I have ever been with, ever loved me.  Loved ME.  No pretend crap. Just simple never ending love.  Maybe it doesn't exist.  And honestly I am ok with that.  Who needs lies?  Who needs fake? Who needs drama? Lies is a funny thing.  Once someone is lied to enough, they stop believing everything, even things from other people. Nothing seems real to them.  And then they start coming up with lies just to feel even, maybe even revenge.  Funny how that works. Fake is the same thing as lies.  Oh I love you, you are the world... then bad mouthing fake crap once your back is turned.  Drama, well lies and fake are part of drama.  So they go hand and hand. Eventually the truth will come out.  The truth has a funny way of doing that.

Change

Isn't it funny how things change so quickly... people go from I love you to I hate you in the blink of any eye.  Marriages in end in seconds.  Children are born, and then off on their own and it seems like only weeks went by.  Why is that?

Maybe we as a society is so use to change.  Or maybe we are never happy or satisfied.  Who am I to say?  I have been married twice, and crashed and burned with both.  I have been in love, and I have hated.  And my children are growing at warp speed! 

I, personally do not think a person can go from love to hate so quickly.  Maybe you hate something that they did or said.  But real love is still there.  At times, people are so angry that they think they hate something or even someone when in fact, its the anger. 

I have tried to love someone that I couldn't.  Apparently that was wrong too.  You should never force love.  If it isn't there, it isn't there.  Forever is thrown around to loosely  in today's time.  Men use "forever" to get what they want.  To me, there isn't forever with a man, a spouse or whatever. There is here and now- today.  Tomorrow isn't a guarantee for anyone.  Forcing love isn't something I am interested in either, anymore.  It didn't get me anywhere, except a headache, which I STILL have!  A never ending headache.  But I am strong.  I am smart.  I will not back down and play stupid childish games with anyone.  I know what I need to do, and I will do it.  I am not afraid.  I am not a bad person.  At one point in my life, I was sweet, caring, loving, amazing, and gentle... I will find her!  She is in me somewhere.  Being with the wrong person has brought out bad qualities in me.  It has made me bitter and resentful.  It has made me hate men for a couple of years now.  And swear off men.  I have refused to trust just about everyone, because of a couple of misleading people who don't even know me. 

How can someone love you, when they don't even know you?  How is that possible.  It's like saying you are so wonderful and amazing, and I am in love with you, but what was your name???  Like, what?  Seriously!  Some people think they love someone when in fact they don't.  Some people aren't capable of giving true love.  I have been lucky enough to be able to love.  I know it is in me, and I know someday it will happen again.  Swearing off men will not last forever.  We are humans, we don't want to be alone.  For the most part, we like having a hand to hold, someone to come home to, to kiss goodnight, to share our lives with.  They say there are 3 or 4 people for each of us, it is just a matter of finding those 3 or 4 people.  Maybe it will work, maybe not.  Things change, people change. 

Love

Everyone feels love differently, and no one is right or wrong for the way they feel.  There is a difference between love and obsession though.  I fine line between the two.  Being in love or even loving someone, doesn't mean smothering them, or even needing them to save you.  Threats are not love.  Lies are not love. Pain isn't even love.  Or those things aren't love to me.  I have made my share of mistakes, I have learned from them.  I have been in love only once in my life (my kids not included.. since loving them is a different kind of love).  People throw around the word love to get what they want, or because they need to say it or hear it. I'm not like that.  Yes, I need love.  I wish things had been different in my life.  The love of my life didn't love me back. I understand that.  I wasn't the love of his life.  I wish him well, I wish him the best.  Whatever that may be.  I wish him all the happiness in the world and then some.  But now it is time for me to move on.  It has been three years without him, the hardest three years of my life.  Knowing that I was never important to him, never his love has been a heart break.  But I deserve that.  That's life.  I have been through a living hell in three years.  I won't go through that again, I can't.  I won't.  I move forward.  I am not sure what the future holds, maybe someone is out there that I can love and that will love me back.  Until then I am ok without love.  I have been living without for years now.

Treat You

 

Oh, so true.  And some people just don't know what they are missing.  My kids come first, every single day.  And will tell I am dead.  Too bad others don't put them first, relationships come and go, but your kids will always be your kids.  Don't treat them like you don't care!