Thinking.

As I sit here and think of things that I shouldn't be thinking.  Things I shouldn't remember.  Why does the mind do that?  Is it to torture? Is it to hurt you? Is it to remember bad things so you won't go running back to what has caused you all this hurt?  That I don't know.  Maybe there is a lesson and through the pain and suffering you are growing. Growing into the person you need to become. Or maybe it's because you are dumb and make stupid mistakes. In my case, I'm sure it's the last one. I am dumb. I make stupid mistakes. No one is perfect.  I'm far from it.  I've hurt people and been hurt. I'm made more than my share of mistakes. I'm not the person I should be.  Maybe someday I will be.  But not today. 

4th of July

 A little 4th of July craft.  

And for the table. 

Last surgery

Well I figured since I haven't written on here in a while, I would start back up.  I guess I'll start with my last surgery, since all the rest are on here. Maybe someday I'll look back and be able to laugh about it, but probably not since my body is more like a horror story.  

Anyway, here goes.  Saturday all day I was hurting. I still have pain on the left side from my surgery before this one.  But Saturday April 25th it was on my right side.  Different.  I told myself maybe  I'm ovulating.  I reminded myself that I had just had an ultrasound that Monday before and everything was ok except for a cysts that we were going to watch and recheck in June.   No biggie.  Sunday morning still hurting.  So I took 4 Motrin and a pain pill.  By afternoon, still hurting. More medicine, which is what both my doctors were telling me to take.  By evening, I was barely able to walk so I knew I had to go to the ER.  I got there around 6:30 pm.  I was wondering if I had a kidney stone.  They did a ct scan, and found that I do have a kidney stone but that wasn't what was hurting me.  Blood work.  Started an iv.  Four rounds of pain medicine.  Nothing was helping. They did an ultrasound. I have had millions by this point. But it was taking a long time. So I asked if things were ok?  She asked if she could do the ultrasound another way cause she couldn't see the blood flow too well.  I agreed.  During that it was taking a REALLY long time.  So I asked again if things were ok. She tells me she's just a tech and the doctor will talk to me.  I said that can't be good.  Which I was right.  The doctor comes in and says there is an issue with the right ovary, and he called in the gynecologist to see me.  Definitely thinking at this point things aren't good.  So I made some phone calls to inform family.  The gyno comes in and explains the blood flow to my right ovary isn't getting there and they can't let me leave. At this point I'm throwing up a lot.  Probably 15 times in two hours.  He explained that it may be twisted and they are hoping to do surgery an untwist it and save it.  Worse case, I'll lose the ovary.  I explained that I only have the right left.  He said he would do everything he could but with how long I had been hurting it wasn't promising.  Damn me and my stubbornness!!! They call in everyone and prep the OR.  I had emergency surgery at 11:30 pm.  When I woke up I asked if I had my right ovary and was informed that I didn't.  The crying began than.  The first week was hell.  Emotions everywhere. Crying a lot.  I'm still healing and dealing with emotions and we are trying to balance me.  If that's even possible.  I just hope to feel like myself again. Someday.  I don't feel much like a woman anymore, my female organs have been robbed from me.  Hopefully I will adjust at some point.  I was suppose to keep that ovary till I was mid 40's.  It only lasted alone for seven months.  I'm still in shock.  

If you have been through this, I would love to hear from you.  

American Sniper

Awesome movie!   What a hero!  

Sums It Up

This sums up my Sunday and part of my Monday.  Crazy. And not in a good way. I would be perfectly happy to never see another doctor or hospital ever again.  

Today.

On this day, eight years ago my heart was broken.  Today all those years ago I lost a baby.  It crushed me.  January 4th is always hard.  That baby was "growing great", the baby "looked perfect", was "healthy".  I was even told that after having four healthy babies and losing only one that my chance of losing a second in a row was less than 10%.  And that 10% went down even more when I heard a "healthy strong" heartbeat.  But no, all those words didn't stop me from losing that baby.   So today hurts just like it did 8 years ago.  But today I remember that little one. 

Buzz

Buzz was in the blinds this morning.