Some Thoughts

Why is there miscarriage? Why does anyone ever have to suffer one? Or two? Or more? How is that fair? Why it is that society makes a miscarriage a hush hush thing? These are just some of my questions. These are the questions that will be forever unanswered. Having lost two babies that I wanted so badly has changed me. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about both of my babies. Of course, I have days that I am ok, I can deal with it; but I have days where all I want is to go and cry all day long. Losing a baby is the hardest thing any parent will ever go through. Regardless of the age of the baby, rather you are 4 weeks pregnant, or the baby is 4 weeks old, 4 years old, or 40 years old. It has to be harder to lose a baby that was once alive out of the womb, but the one advantage is at least the parent has is they got to hold their baby, got to see what the baby looked like, told the baby that she loved the baby, and maybe even got to watch the baby grow. I never got that with my two. I don’t know what they looked like, the only pictures I have are ultrasound pictures. I had to labor and deliver both of mine. I will never forget the feeling of lying on an exam table and not seeing my baby’s heart beating, and the tech telling me that we will try it vaginally and that things could still be ok. And then as soon as the vaginal ultrasound started seeing nothing still, the feeling is something words can’t explain. Being all alone and crying and having the ultrasound tech telling me how sorry she is. No one to comfort me, no one to hold me, no one to cry with, just alone. I will never forget the day that both of them were born. Angel’s was quick and painless, and Simon’s was long and hard. And I can’t forget about David’s mother calling me and telling me no one cares and to get over it. Those had to be the cruelest words I have ever heard. How does any parent get over the loss of a baby? I’m not sure they ever do, I think they just learn to deal with it. I feel truly blessed to have my living children, and I am happy they are here and well, but I still miss my other two babies.